The happy marriage tricks anyone can learn

The happy marriage tricks anyone can learn

Find more joy and less frustration - in one of the most key relationships of your life. Here's how to rekindle your marriage so you will both feel more connected. BY ALLISON SWEET GRANT AND ADAM GRANT

Our first date almost didn't result in a second date. When Adam opened the door, Allison couldn't figure out why he was dressed like a teenager on his way to the gym. Then she found out he did magic tricks. Strike two.

In any relationship, there are deal breakers. Smoking. Chewing too loudly. But what about things that are tolerable but still in need of serious improvement? There are times when you know what's best for your partner. And convincing them of that requires you to master the art of persuasion.

Allison managed to see past the wardrobe dysfunction and accept a second date. Soon she was hinting that Adam should throw out all his event T-shirts. He refused. So then she asked if he would please get rid of just one the worst one. He agreed.

Psychologists call that the door-in-the- face: You make a big ask, it gets denied, and then you follow up with a smaller request. Adam felt guilty saying no twice in a row, and ditching one shirt seemed like a remarkably reasonable thing to do.

And that yes became a foot in the door for Allison. Once Adam had agreed to dump one shirt, he felt silly holding on to a few others. Pretty soon he was running low on shirts. And then she was in.

Allison started buying new (better) shirts. After a couple of years, Adam's entire wardrobe had been replaced. It was like the ship of Theseus, where you replace one plank at a time until you've swapped out every one of the original pieces. Is it the same ship? Adam definitely wasn't the same.

As Adam began to travel more for work, now in a matching ensemble, he started trying to encourage Allison to get away too. (No matter how much you love your spouse, spending time with friends without them can contribute to happiness too.) But Allison is a bit of a home bird and would consistently decline to travel without family. So Adam started making offhand comments about how a friend went away one weekend every month. Ten years later, Allison went on a two-day trip with two friends. Progress.

It's called social proof: we follow the lead of similar others. It's why ads have shifted from 'Operators are standing by; please call now' to 'If the lines are busy, please try again.' If you might get an engaged signal, it means a lot of people are making this unnecessary purchase. It's pretty much the same reason why most people never considered spending their Sunday mornings lying down between a rubbish bin and a rock on a park bench, but suddenly, for a while there, got really into planking.

We're likely to follow others' leads when we feel we have something unique in common with them - or when we look up to them. So when you're trying to get your partner to eat healthier and he or she is hesitant to give up a persistent late-night ice cream ritual, say that someone he or she admires is a big fan of some crazy new Keto diet. 

Even without a handy friend to refer to, there are ways of choosing your words carefully to achieve what's best for everybody. For instance, Adam is late. To everything. Always. He has a chronic inability to disengage from his current task before it's done and consistently underestimates how much time he needs to prep for wherever he's going. For years, Allison tried to convince him to leave earlier. She tried 'miscalculating' the starting time of events so his tardiness would still land him on time, but he finally caught on. Eventually she decided to just ask him, 'Will you be late today?'

That's a hard question to say yes to. Allison unwittingly set in motion what psychologists call self-persuasion. When someone makes a persuasive argument, we often put our defences up and come up with reasons to disagree. But being asked about our intentions makes us tend to come up with reasons to go along. People are more likely to vote, volunteer, floss their teeth, and buy a new car after they're simply asked if they plan to do it even if at first they answer no. So if you hate the way your partner drives, ask if he or she plans to get you home safely. And next time your spouse leaves dishes in the sink, try asking if he or she plans to invite an army of ants over for dinner again. Adam is proud to say he's now on time at least once a week.

There are also times when you know what's best for you, but your partner just doesn't get it. You desperately want a fancy new oven. You have your heart set on a unicorn jumpsuit. You've been dreaming of a powerful new audio system... but for some unknown reason your spouse doesn't care about surround sound. 

For his birthday one year, Adam wanted an air hockey table. The only thing Allison likes about hockey is having an ice cream at the rink. In his quest to find a loophole, Adam told Allison about an awesome air hockey table he found that was about to be discontinued.

This is known as scarcity: We want more when there's less. It explains the popularity of every soon-to-be-dust- collecting toy you've ever waited in a queue to buy - remember the Furby craze and the Cabbage Patch Kid hysteria? Which is why Allison gave in and bought the air hockey table. She didn't want to be responsible for Adam's missing out on the fun.

We want our partners to be happy. And they should want us to be happy, too. So, if your persuasive attempts fail, just follow these steps.

One: Buy the present you've been wanting. Two: Hand it to your partner. Three: Say, 'I got you this to give to me.'

Which is why Adam hasn't picked out a present for Allison in about 10 years.

In the wrong hands, these strategies could be manipulative. But when you actually want the best for the person you love, it's not duplicitous. It's one thing to change out a pile of shirts or cajole your partner into planking. It's a whole different thing to push him to unfriend all of his school friends, make her take up karate, or trick him into using his mum's retirement savings to buy a once-in-a-lifetime timeshare. 

When you're doing it because you're sure you'll both be happier, it's not manipulation - it's love. Which one you're aiming for is up to you.